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The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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A rose by any other name would
stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
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It takes fewer muscles to smile
than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
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I believe no problem is so large
or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
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I believe for every drop of
rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game
gets rained out and a car rusts and...
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Follow your dream! Unless it's
the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
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If you don't like my driving,
don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department
made so many of them.
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If a motorist cuts you off,
just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good
mooning.
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It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.
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A handy telephone tip: Keep
a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you
can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.
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Each day I try to enjoy something
from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack
group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"group.
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If genius is one percent inspiration
and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of
bright people.
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This morning I woke up to the
unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay
for letting the relatives stay over.
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They say you can't really know
someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy
feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
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A man's best friend is his dog.
That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools
on your newspaper.
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Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's
where the airline will find my luggage.
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It's a small world. So you gotta
use your elbows a lot.
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Keep your nose to the grindstone
and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
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This land is your land. This
land is my land. So stay on your land.
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Love is like a roller coaster:
when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't
wait to throw up.
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I've found a sure way to relieve
office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath; Step 2: count to 10; Step 3:
set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
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