Barbie
c/o
Mattel, Inc.
El
Segundo, CA 90245
December
23, 1996
Dear
Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to yaSanta, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There
had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call
for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
-
A nice,
comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick
of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna
get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling
up your butt?
-
Real
underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead
at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?
It looks like cellulite!
-
A REAL
man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out
excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm
gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.
-
Arms
that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once
he is anatomically correct.
-
Breast
reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it
done.
-
A jogbra.
To wear until I get the surgery.
-
A new
career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems
analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
-
A new,
more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container
of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights
Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch
and equipped with several packs of gum.
-
No
more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
-
Mattel
stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours
truly,
Barbie |
I received
this in e-mail (lots of times), without attribution. Then this Fall,
I got a nice e-mail from the author,
Nicole
Busch Moshiri, telling the story of the letter, as follows:
"A little background...I
wrote "Barbie's Letter" in December '96 while employed as a copywriter
at an ad agency in Rutherford, New Jersey called Blunt, Hann, Sersen, Inc.,
(they have since moved to West Paterson, NJ). They had two holiday
contests: "Best letter to Santa" and "Best office decor". I
wrote the Barbie letter and printed it out on fake "Mattel" letterhead,
by cutting out a Mattel logo from one of my daughter's Barbie boxes and
photocopying it onto paper. I ended up winning both contests:
"best letter" and "most creative decor" (I decorated my office with a Barbie
Christmas theme, of course:)
I posted the letter on
only one comedy newsgroup (along with my name, which dropped off in cyberspace)
and e-mailed it to one friend, who sent
it to a few of her friends.
Only recently, I discovered how far the letter has traveled--it exists
on at least 20 websites and was mentioned
in a short blurb in "Glamour"
magazine. I'm so glad I've been able to make so many people laugh!"
She says she is happy to
receive mail at the address in the link above.
Thanks Nicole! |
